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The police, lgbt organisations, the courts and other services all report that they are working with an increasing number of individuals experiencing same-sex domestic violence.
A number of studies suggest that the general patterns and levels of domestic violence in same-sex relationships are about the same as in heterosexual ones, and that that once the violence starts it’s likely to get worse.
Paul Hunt met with 'Mathew’, a victim of same-sex domestic abuse. Here is his story...
I met Dan off Gaydar; we chatted for a very short time before we met. When we did, he seemed shy and slightly nervous. Nevertheless we seemed to get on well. We started dating over the course of the next few weeks. Very soon I thought to myself I had a really genuine guy here, who was kind considerate and very attentive to me. We lived about 40 miles away from each other so we could only see each other at weekends and the odd week day night.
This carried on for about two months and everything was fine I had already noticed that he liked to have a drink every night (at his home) and when he had a drink he seemed to change . Not in a violent way but in a paranoid way. I would get text messages saying, 'Don’t ever leave me - you are the one for me and I couldn’t live without you.’ At first it was flattering.
One night we went out with one of my friends. Dan had loads to drink, I hadn’t had too much, we got back to mine and all of a sudden he launched a verbal attack saying I was looking at other men tonight, and who was I texting. He grabbed my phone and threw it across the room, he then came up to me calmly and slapped me. It was awful, I didn’t know what to do, I just ran into the bedroom and shut myself in. In hindsight I should have thrown him out. But he lived 40 miles away, was drunk and didn’t drive. I decided to sit behind the door until he calmed down a bit. He went to the spare room slammed the door and was soon asleep. I went to bed curled up and cried myself to sleep.
I took him home the next day: he was quiet and I discussed the previous night’s events in the car, as I felt it best place to confront, as he couldn’t avoid me. He just didn’t remember any of it and was very apologetic. I took him home, let him out of the car and went. I decided not to contact him, but was hoping he would contact me. He did and apologised saying he was anxious that I would leave him and that he couldn’t be without me. I suppose, being the guy I am, I felt he should be given another chance (looking back I should have ended it then).
Things quietened down, he was well behaved. Eventually he got a new job near me and moved in.
Then it started again, the drinking and he would chip away at me at my looks and my weight, saying I was fat - I’m a size 30 waist! By then I noticed that my friends didn’t want to come round anymore. Things were getting bad. I started having panic attacks at work, on my way home from work. I was on edge and my work was starting to suffer.
Every now and then he would do something really nice for me and I thought to myself, 'Oh, he does love me, really,’ and I would be happy again. Then as soon as alcohol passed through him, he went all nasty to me again. This happened over and over again.
I was close to breaking point; I was no longer the bubbly, funny guy that I once was.
Then one night he hit me and pulled a knife on me. I did hit him back eventually, when you are under that pressure you protect yourself in any way that you can. I had to call the police, they arrested him and took him away and was later charged. The police dealt with it all very well and were understanding with me. I made a statement for them, which was hard but it had to be done.
He was convicted, and has a restraining order to never come near me.
Lesson learnt: an abuser never changes.
Slowly I recovered from it, I got back on track at work. My family were supportive and my friends came back into my life and I made new ones. I had counselling, which was amazing. I spent time researching about same-sex abuse and realised how common it was and the different forms it takes.
If you have been abused you eventually get over the initial trauma, but you always carry it with you.’
Whilst Mathew’s experience is shocking, it is by no means unusual. A number of organisations are now developing their services to engage with individuals experiencing same-sex domestic violence. One, Broken Rainbow, works with lgbt individuals and the community to reduce the prevalence of homophobic, biphobic, transphobic and same-sex domestic violence. Their newly relaunched helpline is staffed by lgbt people and can be reached on the number given below.
Names have been changed to ensure anonymity. Picture posed by models.
Phone: Broken Rainbow 08452 60 44 60
Times: Mondays-Fridays 9am-1pm and 2pm-5pm
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