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I love being a lesbian. However, I think my dad sees it as God punishing him, perhaps for being very promiscuous when he was younger, but for me, it’s great! Ok, when I first realised I was different from most of my friends, I just wanted to be ‘normal’ and made sure I always had a boyfriend in case anyone suspected. However, I secretly always had a crush on some girl and in my head, we had a wonderful relationship. It took me until I was 26 to finally come out to my parents and since then I have tried to remain out and proud. This has been difficult at times due to my dad’s fear of people he knows finding out about his daughter and my reluctant acceptance of his shame. Recently, I was performing alongside my cousin at a concert in Leeds where my dad had invited a number of his church cronies. In the interval, my dad came over, ignored my girlfriend and her parents and told me to go and say hello to his friends. I initially felt like a little girl who should obey her father and started to head over there alone, but then I looked at my girlfriend sat uncomfortably in the corner…I marched over to his mates clasping my lovely lady’s hand and introduced myself and my partner. And you know what? They didn’t bat an eyelid and why should they? There’s nothing to be ashamed of for fuck’s sake!
Fast forward to last week and a television programme about the HIV virus. Stephen Fry made a journey across Britain interviewing all types of people from gay and straight communities who are living with the virus. He wanted to see if attitudes had changed in the past twenty years and whether there was less prejudice and fear towards people with HIV. What became clear is that rather than a climate of acceptance, where people living with HIV and Aids are still seen as people like everyone else, the disease and those living with it have been buried. It has become such a taboo subject that most of those being interviewed refused to show their faces for fear of reprisals from their community. It seemed from the programme that people generally view HIV as mainly a problem for gay men. The biggest increase in cases of HIV is not in the gay community; rather it is young straight men and women who seem to be unaware of the dangers of unprotected sex. And remember, HIV is not just sexually transmitted. Fry met with a 16 year old girl who has carried the virus from birth, passed to her during pregnancy from her HIV positive mum. She talked candidly about the abuse she has suffered at the hands of her neighbours who have called her every name from ‘whore’ to ‘leper’ and continue to avoid her as though she is scourged. Instead of cowing down to this humiliation, she has decided to be open about her condition and was happy to be filmed. She believes ‘coming out’ as HIV positive to be important, as people then have to deal with the fact it exists and see her for who she really is rather than pretend it/she doesn’t exist. I did wonder, whether she would have been so candid if she had contracted HIV from having unprotected sex? It seems HIV is so tied up with our perceptions of sex; that to be HIV positive is to be promiscuous, and to be promiscuous is shameful - so to be HIV positive is shameful too. I can’t help but think that all this shame is bad for your health! Surely the message of taking responsibility for your sexual health, rather than casting prudish judgement would be far more effective in reducing the numbers of HIV sufferers in our society?
Until HIV is something we can talk openly about, that men and women carrying the virus do not have to hide themselves, that the message of safe sex is clearly understood, it and those affected by it will remain locked in a cycle of fear and shame. Whatever it is about ourselves that we are ashamed of telling other people, that we’re gay, lesbian, HIV positive, enjoy listening to Carol Decker… by becoming collectively more visible and facing our fears, we will help break down these taboos.
It’s easy for me to sit here and encourage you all to be open and honest about whom you really are, whilst I happily type away my opinions under a pseudonym. Maybe it’s time for me to come out too…
Belinda O'Hooley, aka Sarah Schuster)
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